7:39 a.m. - 2008-04-26
Whining in the morning
A bit of a self-pity party here...
Ok, I have things that are just my life and while I don't love that it is this way, I know I'm not ready to try and change them. And, some, won't be changed no matter what I try to do simply because they aren't things that I have control over. However...it does NOT mean they don't hurt. Right now, being a mom/wife/bio-mom is damned un-fulfilling. I know, every single mom in the world goes through this at one time or another, and its because of the kids' ages, and their growing independence (a fact I am quite happy with!) I feel a bit left out, to be blunt. Not just with the kids; it happens. Mom's Taxi and Bank, Inc. is a title I fully expected to wear. Why do you think I'm working?
I don't have any extended family I can just hang with, to vent or chat or just go feel loved AND useful with. I refuse to do what my mom did and lean on my girls, or my son (although I suspect he might not mind, he's not been raised to handle what he thinks he can handle and would over react) as a companion/partner. That is what my husband is for, right?
Except I married a man who has no concept or clue of what I mean. He does work hard, long days, 6 days a week, and I get it. Really I do. He's tired and would like to relax...alone. He doesn't want to do anything with me. I have yet to find something - ANYTHING - he's likely to enjoy sharing with me as a hobby, or a social thing.
Sooo...ok, here's where the eternal girlfriend thing comes in, right? Yeah, not so much. I have a network of people for a lot of things, but the ones that simply hanging with would be what I need are the ones who are so scheduled due to work, kids, husbands, etc., that finding time is damn near impossible.
I want...I don't know what I want. Half of me says fuck 'em, go do what you need to do, alone and just find things for you. But, this means spending money I don't have on things like books, and yarn. Additions to either of those collections are likely to drive the hubby up a wall. And while I'd love the books, (I have enough yarn) its only temporary.
Damnit, this means exersize, and I don't have the willpower or companion (see above!), or the right shoes for that yet.
FUCK.
Answering your own questions can be profound....profoundly depressing when the answers are in the fucking questions. And are in no way positively encouraging.
This leaves drinking, or computer games.
I will contemplate this and get back to you...neither of those seems particularly appealling.
I will add, right now, I'm not depressed, or desparate; just sad and feeling unwanted. I'd love a good cry at a sad movie, without any of my peanut gallery poking fun at me, so I can cry and get it over with. Wish me luck on that...time alone is a rarity in this house.
Ok, off to start my Saturday. First practice for Storm (baseball), birthday for a two-year-old, grocery shopping....the usual!
