So yeah, I'm starting this so I can maybe document what's up, heh. Its quiet and crazed all at the same time.

Work is so slow, I can do my job in 15 hours, or slightly less, weekly. Which means no extras - no nails, no hair, no belly-dancing.  I'm trying to keep my hours low, so that when work does get better, I still have a job!  I will take advantage of the fact that I can work longer with my boss on vacation, but not too much.

The kids are getting near the end of school. Storm is out in just over two weeks, and Cloud is out in just less. Both are very excited, even with the prospect of three weeks at my mother's place looming, hehe.

back later to finish...

And its now 9:06pm, watching car auctions once again. Sometimes its quite pleasant, but since the money issues are here...its just a tease.

I've been thinking a lot about just general stuff. Don't you just love the sidetracks your brain uses? As in I was pondering my historic enjoyment of sex. Yes, we all have it to some degree. I've found, however, that I am more like most guys I know, than most females. I have yet to feel betrayed by someone having sex with another person outside of my relationship with them. Other things are more intimate to me, and they would make me insane, heh. Yes, I know, its sounds like a classic symptom of low self-esteem, but really, I have a very healthy self-esteem. I know my value, and I know that I can have, and deserve, a wonderful relationship. I just don't put sex where other people do. I'd have more issues with someone romancing someone else, or sharing really closely held secrets...things that require you to have an emotional trust, not just a physical one. And, I will say that yes, sex with emotional trust is better consistantly, than without.

Just think about the hot, explosive quickies with a stranger, or near stranger, though. It can be hard to keep that level of passion with someone who knows all your foibles. Not impossible, just difficult. Add to that changing or diminishing sex drives between two people and you have even more impossible variables.

/sidenote...see what I mean about sidetracks?? Next paragraph will make you see what this means... /end sidenote

So, as I was saying, I like sex, more than many and in a different way than most. As I do believe in reincarnation, this led my brain to ponder all the different ways sex is used, and to why I'd have this kind of regard toward sex. As I continued to wander this path, it occured to me that I may have been either a prostitute, a madam or even a healer of some sort in a past life. I've used my body, and had it used, to heal emotional pain. Mine, and others. Never unwillingly - EVER. That particular aspect is one I have never had to test myself on. I learned early to listen to that voice, and I've heard later that I left places with time to spare and missed the icky. Anyhow, I do not have a desire to find out what my past lives were, not really. If something occured that revealed it? Yeah, I'd be interested and possibly persue details, but I'm not going looking. What I did do was to compare and contrast my feelings about sex, based on those possible past lives. And it kinda explained a LOT about certain situations. Especially about the difference, for me, between what constitutes cheating on a relationship, and what does not.  I need to say, please do not think that I consider anyone else wrong to feel that sex is the ultimate. This is all about me. Just like your blog/diary is allll about you.

Which is why I read yours, and not mine!

I like this changing colors on the fly. Kinda like side tracking, heh.

In other news...Cloud is starting high school in the fall. I feel like this year was already her freshman year! Damn girl is more like me than I would like, in some aspects, but at least she has her dad's influence to balance her. We had the two bad-boy first guy friends early in the school year...she's always said she can't date someone who doesn't "get" her, so she's dating sophomores. Oh, and they weren't "boyfriends" either, because they didn't officially ask her out. The current boyfriend, did. And he's the complete opposite of the other two. Can't say she doesn't learn fast. She did change her mind on going to a trade high school, though. Her response to why, was that it isn't the boy, she just thinks staying put would be better for her. And, she can change later if she decides she'd rather go there. True, but I hope it doesn't prove difficult if she does change her mind.

Storm, in true Storm fashion, is changing from a total butt head to a much more amenable kid. It goes in fits and starts, but it is going and I hope that next year is easier in school, too. She is still only 8, but so damned smart I know we all expect more than we should. I try to temper what I think she can do with what I know she will do. Every mother's PushmePullyou.

Buck? Well, he's realized FINALLY that Storm is his mini-me and that trying to dominate her works as well as it does with him. Which is to say....NOT. He is also getting better about not blaming me for all the money issues considering we ran into some things that darn near emptied the checking account. wasn't ALL just hearts and flowers, was it? It could be damned hard to do this when all the pistons are firing; forget when they were all mis-firing!

And I'm going to restrain my rant on that subject.

I really should go full circle, and say, after my discourse on my feelings about sex...I have little or no drive right now. The drugs are working well, I feel great, to the point that I can tell if something is off, rather quickly. Unfortunately, orgasms? Not an easy thing these days. I know a few of my girlfriends and I have had the 'how long does it take' conversation and I was usually average to quick, without a toy. With a toy? Best time was about 2 minutes, start to finish. Now, with a multi-moving toy I'm looking at close to 10 minutes. With Buck? I'm lucky if I get a couple of small ones.

Which is part of what brought me to my initial thought of ' quickies with strangers or....' because I am totally wondering if it would be any different. I don't know that I have the energy to find out, but it makes for a pleasant day-dream.

Hmm...I'm written out. Brain won't go any further right now, so I'll close. Next time, I think it will be more about yarn!

Off to play 'My Tribe'. Its good to be the king.

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